Before you read , mind you I completely understand that there are more complex and more difficult trials than this, I’ve lived through some, as others have … trust me I could make a lifetime miniseries ranging from a afterschool special to a suspense thriller… this is just a small piece of me and in no way am I trying to minimize the true struggles and others lives, I am just writing to write to help me possibly let go of this part of me, as I stated above I understand that there are more distinctive and painful processes of life and in no way I’m trying to say that this is a huge hurdle to overcome but it is a piece of me that I’m willing to share, to hopefully help others not be ashamed of sharing a piece, not for self pity but a release❤🌱
May honesty and Truth be the platform for this writing. May I hold nothing back. May I speak bluntly yet appropriately with the abundance of a hearts beating of tremendous waiting, and Centerfolds of complex moments that seem so obsolete yet I know and hold them dear as I wait upon the Lord for a new day everyday.
It is almost 4:30 a.m., cannot sleep well my mind tossing and turning yet again. The tides of my heart going back and forth as I sit here and focus on the reality of my life. To live is Christ to die is gain this is what I must speak out loud sometimes a few times within a breath to get me through the day. There is Joy there is peace there is love the fruits of the spirit are nothing to be compared do not get me wrong, but sometimes I make the mistake of looking back, not that I want to go back to my old way of life but remembering how my heart fluttered with such opportune moments of a new life.
I keep much of my life in a secret box in a secret place that I only share with very few for the only reason to help, to guide, or to somehow keep others out of the way of obstacles and trials that do not need to be explored oh, I’ve been through much, just like everyone else but some things are better left unsaid.
I do not want to idolize my desires of my heart that I’ve been waiting on from the Lord for so many years. I was told once I will get everything I need but not everything I want I find that to be very true and at the same time very hard. I understand this life is not forever and the life to come is one to be treasured this I know to be true.
Now as I have just turned 40 and still no prospects come my way as far as even thinking about having a family, I will not complain I will not Grudge along but I will say knowing that the possibility of children is now gone most likely for I’m a realist I like to have be having faith but I would rather just keep on keeping on with the reality of my life to live is Christ to die is gain once again I say to live is Christ and to die is gain.
I’ve had a desire in my heart from a very young age, I guess as most girls have to meet someone that loves them that cares for them yes I am speaking about a husband. I understand that the Lord is my king and I understand the meaning of being single at heart for the Lord and I think it is beautiful, with that being said I would be lying if I said at times I can’t help but wonder do I let this desire go? Do I stop and just stop thinking of the possibility of well maybe, just maybe, But as time goes on and years keep flowing and nothing keeps happening no prospects come to mind for there is no one. I suppose without sounding critical or desperate I will say that it’s not that I idolize the thought of marriage but I would be lying if I said I didn’t desire a man to help me along because if one is alone it can be very difficult to keep on keeping on in this realm of the Valley of the shadow of death.
Whenever I bring up this topic I recieve so many suggestions so I understand the other person is trying to uplift me, being encouraging and I am thankful for that, the thought, I understand the fruitfulness of Christian friendships
And yes Christian friends are wonderful so they be very far and few in-between , I am grateful for the few that I do have and I am thankful to the Lord for he is very faithful and always takes care of me so please know I say this and write this not out of desperation or careless mournings of the heart….At least I hope not
But I have to wonder do I just have a little girls dream dancing around in my heart and as a Godly woman maybe it is time to let go of even the thought of having faith for such a thing anymore. And yes I know 40 isn’t a deal-breaker as far as meeting anyone but I have to be honest with myself, and honest with the may be scenario is that I’m going to be walking this plaine alone whether I like it or not.
I suppose in a way I just don’t want to keep on going with a little girls dream Dancing In My Mind so, I understand in the way that I can that yes I’ve heard all the explanations marriage isn’t easy, you’re so blessed to be single, I’ve heard I believe it all.
With all that said it’s still does not take away the emotion strings that I have tied to it in a way of a promise that I thought I had gotten from the Lord.
But I have to remember to live is Christ is to die is gain,
To whom much is given much is required
I suppose maybe I’m writing this to help let go and maybe put to rest a little girls dream.
I do not wish to be coddled or adored,
I suppose if you ask anyone they would always opt to have a mate someone that loves them have those moments that you hear others talking about the good and the bad but put together in a fashion that is knit by the Lord, which in those cases we know that the Lord orchestrates the stars and the universe and everything in it so in the realm of even having a marriage destined by the Lord I believe is a very beautiful thing even with the ups and the downs, the struggle and yet the Beautiful Moments that take over the hard rare parts of giving up oneself to another being and really focusing on being complete in the Lord and as one I find very beautiful though I do not understand fully obviously I can only know that it must be very difficult at times but tremendously rewarding at others.
And as any other single Christian I have tried all the Avenues, dating sites here and there so many I can’t even remember but I don’t dare to go on them anymore because I know that is not the way. It is only a distraction and a feeling of going off track with not trusting the Lord with my life.( and anyone that has tried to contact me on those forums has not been a Godly Man , in fact quite the oppisite..thats why I say distraction)
I know the Lord has Perfect Plans for each one that puts their trust in him, I know at times it makes my heart bleed I understand once again that I will get everything I need not everything I want no matter how many times I hear that I will be granted the desires of my heart I understand not to take that in a way which is amiss or delusional.
So with exposing myself in this way I know this is an opportune time for 1 to look it this piece of words over and think “wow that woman must really be idolizing marriage”, or “that poor woman needs to move on and just live for the Lord and be thankful for what she has.” I think many and their minds will think that way and I can understand, but I will tell you that is not my motive or my thought process I am just speaking my mind as a 40 year old woman who seems to be going through this life not knowing really what to expect anymore but I do understand that God is good, that the Lord is faithful, and I understand the means of Eternity is greater than a life in this realm lived without living out God’s plan for one’s life.
And I am in no way saying that not being married is horrible or some type of punishment,( though I must admit at times if I’m being honest the enemy has shot arrows in my mind trying to Swerve me in that direction oh, but I know it’s a lie) but when one has a desire to be a Godly spouse it can be a very sad piece of one’s heart to let go of.
I understand this, and I am thankful to the Lord for salvation, for life, but I also know as a woman of God I must explore the Avenue of completely an utterly being open and concencrated to the Lord for whatever he Wills for me. I also understand that the end is near So Others May say how silly it must be for one to think this way but I’m a woman, a Godly woman and I still have those dreams I had when I was 5 years old.
I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way, but I hope in some way this reaches out to others who understand the symbolism of what I’m speaking of knowing that God is gracious and he is good, but also knowing that we do have to let go and keep walking no matter what comes our way.
I pray this doesn’t sound like a sob story of a sad woman, it’s just an honest Story Of My Heart a small snippet of it that no matter what happens I know that some desires of my heart may not be the Lord’s desires of his heart. Nevertheless may I be put to work and may Christ in me abound, may I die the death of self in whatever mannerism the Lord sees fit.
I will still look up at the stars and wonder as I look over the beauty of a star lit sky, but I know that my heart skips more beets thinking about the kingdom that is approaching,
And whatever is written in the plan of life I know it will come to be and if the Lord says it is well then it is definitely well with me.